This is Patriotism!
If you're wondering if this video still holds up, check out the 2:20 mark. Yes, that is enemy of the state Muammar Gaddafi being consumed by Hulkamania. I don't know why we bothered dealing with UN resolutions and strategic operations in Libya; the answer has been in front of us all along. President Obama, I implore you: we only need one man to overthrow this evil dictator. A hero among the likes of Washington and Lincoln. A man who has thwarted terrorist-sympathizers such as Sgt. Slaughter and Mohammed Hassan. A man who, when the adrenaline starts pumping, cannot be stopped by anyone. We need Hulk Hogan.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Time to Hit the Gym
Any time you want to simultaneously laugh and get motivated to hit the gym, just queue up this Arnold gem...
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Mundane Madness
Yesterday, I listened to an interview with Jay Bilas where he said that the NCAA was faced with a serious problem. The problem, he said, is that the average person feels that the college basketball season is 45 days (conference championship tournaments followed by the NCAA Tournament). Though he didn't, Bilas could point to this article by Frank Deford (and his mutton chops) as exhibit A.
He then went on to suggest a number of options for resolving the interest issue, such as doing away with the NIT, adding more preseason tournaments, and making Selection Sunday occur before the conference tournaments. While these are all viable ideas that would improve overall interest, he’s missing the point.
The larger issue at work here is that as a sports fan, continuity from year to year is an essential component of identifying with a team. What if the Celtics had Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, and Paul Pierce one year, then the next season they were all gone and were replaced by, say, Jeff Green and Rajon Rondo, only Green and Rondo left after that season and they had to be replaced? That set of circumstances and that much player movement would make it pretty difficult to forge any kind of connection with the team. So much personnel turnover disrupts any sense of stability and normalcy that could develop, and what you’re left with as a fan is the relatively hollow experience of rooting for your favorite color scheme. When you don’t know if a player is going to be there six months down the road, how can you feel loyal to him in the present?
This question brings us back to Bilas’ observation about college basketball’s dilemma. He is 100% correct in his assessment that the average fan has little interest in the 30+ game regular season grind that goes on between November and early March. The ratings support this, as they have- for the most part- been in steady decline over the course of this decade until this year. Many of the games carry little meaning, especially when teams with over ten losses are still making the NCAA Tournament, and many of these games lack the sizzle and late-game excitement that seems to come naturally each March. However, considering the meteoric rise in popularity of the NBA over the last few years, it would seem that there has never been a more opportune time for regular season college basketball to undergo the same increase in prominence. People are craving basketball like never before, yet even a huge regular season game gets smashed in the ratings by a routine college football game. The reasons are many, but ultimately we have to ask ourselves the simple question of why we watch the games. To me, the answer is fairly obvious: we want to see players we like on teams we like beat players we don’t like on teams we don’t like.
The problem with college basketball, then, is that this traditional notion of loyalty to players and teams is now only 50% true. The rivalries between teams remain a constant, and always will. Duke-North Carolina will draw huge crowds and huge TV ratings no matter who is on their respective teams. However, it has become impossible to predict who is going to be on each team year to year. Gone are the days where you could watch a player develop from a fringe player as a freshman into an NBA-caliber star as a senior. A player like Christian Laettner could never exist in today’s climate; he would surely jump to the NBA after averaging a 16-10 as a sophomore on a Final Four team. When players are free to jump to the pros after one season, how can you follow their careers and forge any kind of connection to them? They rarely show any interest in the tradition of their school and program, and are there only because the NBA forces them to be. Somehow I doubt Michael Beasley grew up dreaming of the day he’d don the purple of Kansas State…
With constant turnover, teams never develop an identity. A team needs an identity for fans to feel something beyond just rooting for laundry. Throughout the 80s and early 90s, working-class Bostonians loved the Celtics because of the attitude Bird, Parish, and McHale brought to the Garden every game.
The players (at least seemingly) cared about the fans and the tradition, and they got unconditional support in return. The flaw of this comparison is, of course, that college is a defined, four year period, whereas an NBA career lasts as long as the player can be effective. In college a player can’t be on a team for over four seasons, so from the start of his career he’s on borrowed time. However, the passion of college fans is such a ramped-up version of pro fans that over the span of a four year career one can cram in a lifetime’s worth of rooting. In a sense, the brief period of a college career makes it that much more special, because you know from the start that you must enjoy the experience while it lasts. When a player packs up and leaves early, it stings because you were just getting to know their game and how they made the team work. Unfortunately, this happens so often now that we have all become numb to it, and simply accept that every year is going to bring something completely different and unrelated to the season before.
While to some it may be refreshing to have new teams rising up only to tumble back down the following year, this idea essentially values randomness in each season. It says that building an identity over multiple years is for suckers, because the NBA can call for your best players at any time. If you don’t get on the “one and done” train, your program is going to get left behind, and won’t be playing in March. Most of us instinctively love having some sense of order in the sports world. This order can change over time, but the shifts have to be gradual enough for us to be able to process and understand them. When there is no continuity from year to year within both your own team and college basketball as a whole, it’s easy to turn one’s attention to the pros or another sport. Why watch your team plod through a regular season game that means so little both to them and to you? I would say to Jay Bilas, were he to walk into my office right now, that we watch in March for the great finishes and remarkable competition. Whether our own favorite team is in the tournament no longer matters; for many casual fans, “their team” has become just a clone of the others in a different colored shirt. Maybe there’s something to cheering for the prettier uniforms, after all.
The larger issue at work here is that as a sports fan, continuity from year to year is an essential component of identifying with a team. What if the Celtics had Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, and Paul Pierce one year, then the next season they were all gone and were replaced by, say, Jeff Green and Rajon Rondo, only Green and Rondo left after that season and they had to be replaced? That set of circumstances and that much player movement would make it pretty difficult to forge any kind of connection with the team. So much personnel turnover disrupts any sense of stability and normalcy that could develop, and what you’re left with as a fan is the relatively hollow experience of rooting for your favorite color scheme. When you don’t know if a player is going to be there six months down the road, how can you feel loyal to him in the present?
This question brings us back to Bilas’ observation about college basketball’s dilemma. He is 100% correct in his assessment that the average fan has little interest in the 30+ game regular season grind that goes on between November and early March. The ratings support this, as they have- for the most part- been in steady decline over the course of this decade until this year. Many of the games carry little meaning, especially when teams with over ten losses are still making the NCAA Tournament, and many of these games lack the sizzle and late-game excitement that seems to come naturally each March. However, considering the meteoric rise in popularity of the NBA over the last few years, it would seem that there has never been a more opportune time for regular season college basketball to undergo the same increase in prominence. People are craving basketball like never before, yet even a huge regular season game gets smashed in the ratings by a routine college football game. The reasons are many, but ultimately we have to ask ourselves the simple question of why we watch the games. To me, the answer is fairly obvious: we want to see players we like on teams we like beat players we don’t like on teams we don’t like.
With constant turnover, teams never develop an identity. A team needs an identity for fans to feel something beyond just rooting for laundry. Throughout the 80s and early 90s, working-class Bostonians loved the Celtics because of the attitude Bird, Parish, and McHale brought to the Garden every game.
While to some it may be refreshing to have new teams rising up only to tumble back down the following year, this idea essentially values randomness in each season. It says that building an identity over multiple years is for suckers, because the NBA can call for your best players at any time. If you don’t get on the “one and done” train, your program is going to get left behind, and won’t be playing in March. Most of us instinctively love having some sense of order in the sports world. This order can change over time, but the shifts have to be gradual enough for us to be able to process and understand them. When there is no continuity from year to year within both your own team and college basketball as a whole, it’s easy to turn one’s attention to the pros or another sport. Why watch your team plod through a regular season game that means so little both to them and to you? I would say to Jay Bilas, were he to walk into my office right now, that we watch in March for the great finishes and remarkable competition. Whether our own favorite team is in the tournament no longer matters; for many casual fans, “their team” has become just a clone of the others in a different colored shirt. Maybe there’s something to cheering for the prettier uniforms, after all.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Gus Madness
Now that the conference tournaments are over, it is officially time for Gus Johnson. Unequivocally our greatest living broadcaster, Gus elevates his level of excitement in March unlike anyone we have ever heard. He is the anti-Pat Summerall. He is appointment television, even more so than the games he calls.
His latest masterpiece went down this past weekend in the Pac-10 Championship game. Fans from both teams were no doubt pleased to get some vintage Gus, but in the end Washington is the big winner. They're winners not because they had more points than the other team, but in fact because at the very end of the clip they got Gus to drop his patented "ha-HA!"
Watching this one live was an out of body experience. The Morrison tears before the game ends should have told us everything we needed to know about his NBA prospects.
This is a great compilation, if you have the time. You might want to turn the volume down, Gus can get very carried away.
In all the hoopla, we can't forget that Gus has been on hand for some football insanity too. There was this one last year...
...or this one from this past season. ha-HA!
His skills are so transcendental that you can even mash his calls up with sports he knows nothing about, and it still works. Don't believe me? Check out this "call" from the USA-Algeria World Cup game...
His latest masterpiece went down this past weekend in the Pac-10 Championship game. Fans from both teams were no doubt pleased to get some vintage Gus, but in the end Washington is the big winner. They're winners not because they had more points than the other team, but in fact because at the very end of the clip they got Gus to drop his patented "ha-HA!"
Watching this one live was an out of body experience. The Morrison tears before the game ends should have told us everything we needed to know about his NBA prospects.
This is a great compilation, if you have the time. You might want to turn the volume down, Gus can get very carried away.
In all the hoopla, we can't forget that Gus has been on hand for some football insanity too. There was this one last year...
...or this one from this past season. ha-HA!
His skills are so transcendental that you can even mash his calls up with sports he knows nothing about, and it still works. Don't believe me? Check out this "call" from the USA-Algeria World Cup game...
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Which is Worse?
Which is the worse example of clock awareness, this:
Or this (starting at 0:55):
It is worth mentioning that the over/under on the St. John's-Rutgers game yesterday was 128.5...
Or this (starting at 0:55):
It is worth mentioning that the over/under on the St. John's-Rutgers game yesterday was 128.5...
O Captain! My Captain!
Upon hearing the tragic news that, in the face of immense pressure from the federal government, Quaker has decided to halt production of the delicious (but very unnutritious) Cap'n Crunch, I felt compelled to do something to eulogize this staple of every morbidly obese child's diet. And, while Quaker is refuting parts of the story- a company statement said that "reports of Cap'n Crunch's demise are greatly exaggerated"- they fail to flat out deny it. One can only surmise that Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch is on the cereal equivalent of the plank, taking his first steps towards the shark- and health food-infested waters below. It is now but a matter of time until he is no more.
This is a tragic loss for all cereal lovers out there. So what if it had 12 grams of sugar per serving? So what if after CC Sabathia stopped eating it this offseason, he promptly lost 25 pounds? This cereal is America!
It is fitting, then, that we say goodbye to this legendary figure by invoking the words of Walt Whitman, perhaps the most legendary Captain eulogizer there has ever been. A few slight alterations more befitting to this solemn occasion have been made to the original poem, though I doubt you'll be able to tell.
O Cap'n! my Cap'n! our fearful trip is done;
The bowl has weathered every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the children all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady spoon, the kernels sweet and pleasing:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Cap'n lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
O Cap'n! my Cap'n! rise up and hear the calls;
Rise up—for you the children pine—for you the fatty bawls;
For you delicious crunch berries—for you the flavors abounding;
For you they call, the hungry mass, their eager faces smiling;
Here Cap'n! dear father!
This milk beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck,
You’ve fallen cold and dead.
My Cap'n does not answer, his 'stache is pale and askew;
My mouth's roof does not feel your cut, there is no life in you;
The ship is anchored safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
For many meals, the victor ship, made breakfast tasty and fun;
Exult, O Michelle Obama!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Cap'n lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
When you sit down for your next bowl of cereal, tip out a little milk for our dearly departed Cap'n. May he rest in peace.
Cap'n Crunch: 1963-2011
It is fitting, then, that we say goodbye to this legendary figure by invoking the words of Walt Whitman, perhaps the most legendary Captain eulogizer there has ever been. A few slight alterations more befitting to this solemn occasion have been made to the original poem, though I doubt you'll be able to tell.
O Cap'n! my Cap'n! our fearful trip is done;
The bowl has weathered every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the children all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady spoon, the kernels sweet and pleasing:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Cap'n lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
O Cap'n! my Cap'n! rise up and hear the calls;
Rise up—for you the children pine—for you the fatty bawls;
For you delicious crunch berries—for you the flavors abounding;
For you they call, the hungry mass, their eager faces smiling;
Here Cap'n! dear father!
This milk beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck,
You’ve fallen cold and dead.
My Cap'n does not answer, his 'stache is pale and askew;
My mouth's roof does not feel your cut, there is no life in you;
The ship is anchored safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
For many meals, the victor ship, made breakfast tasty and fun;
Exult, O Michelle Obama!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Cap'n lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
When you sit down for your next bowl of cereal, tip out a little milk for our dearly departed Cap'n. May he rest in peace.
Cap'n Crunch: 1963-2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Teach Me How To...Brady?
Ugh. At least his hair looks better, right? Right? I will cling to the faint hope that he is dancing like that just so he can make those of us who are horrific dancers feel better about ourselves. Maybe we can't dance, but we too can some day be NFL MVP. I hope...
I Wish the Pats Had John Henderson...
Remember: you always want the crazy person on your team. Pats go up against Henderson in Oakland next season. I am concerned.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Apparently, There is Crying in Basketball
As many of you are no doubt aware, yesterday’s latest Miami Heat catastrophe ended with several of the self-proclaimed “Heatles” in tears in the locker room following another one point loss. While I’m not sure how this latest development affects the future employment of those who work for the outrageous ESPN “Heat Index” site, it does beg the question of who were the offending parties. Here are the odds for some of the most likely suspects:
• Chris “1 for 18” Bosh: 2/1. Bosh admitted he had tears in his eyes after the game. It seems pretty likely that one of those managed to sneak out and roll down his cheek. This may also be due in part to the fact that even though he screams, flexes, and generally tries to look tough when he dunks, at the end of the day he is just window dressing on a Rajon Rondo poster.
• Eric Dampier: 5/1. What did his contract push in Dallas get him? Zero shot attempts in 22 minutes and losing minutes to Zydrunas Ilgauskas, who hasn’t made a shot since 2006. If you give Dampier 18 shots in the last ten seconds of a close game, he can probably make more than one. This would be, of course, more than…
• LeBron James: 15/2. Shooting a robust 14.3% in the last ten seconds of close games is not going to make you a global icon. This is an unfortunate development for a man I have vowed to start supporting. I have no problem with him wanting to be the leader and referring to the Heat as “my team,” but it’s time to step up.
• Mike Bibby: 350/1. Leaving $6 million on the table is tough; however, you have to be legally alive to cry.
Stan Van Gundy really eviscerated the Heat in an Orlando Sentinel article today, saying that “if you don’t want the scrutiny, you don’t hold a championship celebration before you’ve even practiced together.” Never mind that his team is pretty soft too, but StanVan has a point (rest of the article here). It seems pretty apparent that the hype around this team in the offseason dictated how they were going to carry themselves over the course of the season.
They forgot the little fact that basketball is a team game, not a three-man game. It was easy to forget about the ample flaws in not only the piecemeal assemblage of the supporting cast, but also in the games of LeBron, Bosh, and Wade. LeBron has an average midrange game, Bosh is horrendous on the post, and Wade can’t shoot from deep. Sure, they’re killing teams when they get out in transition, but their halfcourt offense has been a disaster. Without a steady point guard to feed them the ball, these guys can’t play the drag-out, slow-paced game that characterizes playoff basketball. As constituted, this team is going nowhere.
I can’t remember ever hearing of a championship team breaking down in tears during the season. Did Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant ever cry after losing a regular season game in March? The only time you’d ever catch those guys crying is when they’re cradling the Larry O’Brien trophy.
This is not a good start for the seven championships Mr. James promised us a few short months ago. They’re allowed to be frustrated- who wouldn’t be with all that talent and so little to show for it- but come on, tears? It’s one thing to say you’re tough, to call yourself “Team John Dillinger,” etc., but at some point you have to back it up. Quite simply, they are not.
A team that gets down on themselves and acts defensive with the media is not a team that is winning a championship any time soon. I despise using the word “swagger,” as its definition is nebulous at best, but a winning team has swagger. They carry themselves with a confidence that borderlines on arrogance (Celtics and Lakers), the knowledge that they have won before (the Spurs), and an energy that allows them to elevate their game when needed (Oklahoma City). The false bravado Miami employed all season has been squashed, they haven’t won a big game as a group, and their energy appears sappped.
I wrote a month or so ago that as a Celtics fan, I was worried about Miami’s win streak. Now, I’d be surprised if they even made it to a playoff matchup with the Celtics.
• Chris “1 for 18” Bosh: 2/1. Bosh admitted he had tears in his eyes after the game. It seems pretty likely that one of those managed to sneak out and roll down his cheek. This may also be due in part to the fact that even though he screams, flexes, and generally tries to look tough when he dunks, at the end of the day he is just window dressing on a Rajon Rondo poster.
• LeBron James: 15/2. Shooting a robust 14.3% in the last ten seconds of close games is not going to make you a global icon. This is an unfortunate development for a man I have vowed to start supporting. I have no problem with him wanting to be the leader and referring to the Heat as “my team,” but it’s time to step up.
• Mike Bibby: 350/1. Leaving $6 million on the table is tough; however, you have to be legally alive to cry.
Stan Van Gundy really eviscerated the Heat in an Orlando Sentinel article today, saying that “if you don’t want the scrutiny, you don’t hold a championship celebration before you’ve even practiced together.” Never mind that his team is pretty soft too, but StanVan has a point (rest of the article here). It seems pretty apparent that the hype around this team in the offseason dictated how they were going to carry themselves over the course of the season.
I can’t remember ever hearing of a championship team breaking down in tears during the season. Did Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant ever cry after losing a regular season game in March? The only time you’d ever catch those guys crying is when they’re cradling the Larry O’Brien trophy.
A team that gets down on themselves and acts defensive with the media is not a team that is winning a championship any time soon. I despise using the word “swagger,” as its definition is nebulous at best, but a winning team has swagger. They carry themselves with a confidence that borderlines on arrogance (Celtics and Lakers), the knowledge that they have won before (the Spurs), and an energy that allows them to elevate their game when needed (Oklahoma City). The false bravado Miami employed all season has been squashed, they haven’t won a big game as a group, and their energy appears sappped.
I wrote a month or so ago that as a Celtics fan, I was worried about Miami’s win streak. Now, I’d be surprised if they even made it to a playoff matchup with the Celtics.
Monday, February 28, 2011
I'll Have What He's Having!
"I am on a drug; it's called Charlie Sheen," Sheen said. "It's not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body . . . too much?"
How far the Wild Thing has come. Where can I get me some Charlie Sheen?
How far the Wild Thing has come. Where can I get me some Charlie Sheen?
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