If I Had to Go to Prison, Orange County Doesn't Sound Too Bad

Apparently, California is the place to be if you want to make a mockery of the prison system. This story details how one prisoner in an Orange County prison managed to finagle Kosher meals because of his religious beliefs. Seems like a non-story, right? Wrong. He cited observing Festivus as the reason for him needing to eschew the daily salami sandwiches in favor of a higher-quality prison meal. I don't fault this guy for trying; he's in prison, and I'm sure the food is terrible. The real blame here has to be on the people who approved his request. They clearly had no idea what Festivus was, otherwise they would have told this prisoner to go away and doubled his forced salami intake.

The biggest flaw in prisoner Malcolm Alarmo King's case is his claim that Festivus requires Kosher meals. Festivus is not a Jewish holiday. The Costanzas were not Jewish. Jerry relays to the audience that Frank Costanza created Festivus because he "hated the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas." Any Seinfeld fan knows this, and a video synopsis of the holiday is easily accessible. So how, I ask, did nobody working in the prison system know this? Yes, it is an odd reference, but given how weird it is, don't you think someone would take the time to do a quick Google search? I just typed in "Festivus" on google, and it returned 2,260,000 results. There's a Wikipedia page and an official Festivus website. It's not that hard.

I also take issue with the fact that King somehow managed to get two months' worth of meals out of this. Though Festivus technically does not end until the head of the household has been pinned during the Feats of Strength, it's hard to imagine this taking two entire months. I'd love to hear how King sold the prison system on this part of the deal, since who in their right mind would think that a single holiday would last over two months? And even then, it had to go all the way to court before the meals were revoked. It's comforting to know that this is how the taxpayers of California's money is being spent. With these rocket scientists running the show, being a resident of a California penitentiary doesn't sound like such a bad deal.