No...?

On days like today, when the humidity of summer is gone and that little twinge of coldness once again returns to the air, I am reminded that it is time for schools everywhere to resume. This point was driven home by my almost running over several small children on my way to work this morning. If I remember correctly from my own days in school, sharing hilarious jokes and expressions you learned over the summer is a vital part of this “welcome back” ritual.
Unfortunately, some of these zingers can be mean-spirited or, even worse, stupid. They are often pulled from popular culture with little thought to whether they actual have any comedic merit. My least favorite of these popular expressions is the somehow still-popular “no homo.”
According to all-powerful Wikipedia, “the term originated in East Harlem slang of the early 1990s,” but yet also was uttered in Caddyshack when “Ty Webb (Chevy Chase) uses the line in response to a question from the young lady he is entertaining.”* One of my role models, Lil’ Wayne, uses it liberally in many of his songs.

*While searching for “Caddyshack no homo” brings up some interesting results, I did also find the quote at the bottom of this page.

Regardless of its genesis, I don’t really understand the point of this phrase. I’m not sure how it helps one’s point in any way; if a male says to one of his male friends, “I love the way you’re wearing your hair, no homo,” I’m pretty certain I know what part of the message is going to be remembered.
In any case, I am here to suggest an alternative to this played-out figure of speech. Sure, you might get some strange looks at first, but if you start using these I guarantee you will be a trailblazer in the creation of popular phrases. Or, at the very least, get some credit as an innovator. With practical examples for use in everyday life, I give you, the (very few) readers, No Hobo:

“That abandoned boxcar looks really comfortable, let’s go camp out in it…no hobo”

“I’m really cold, let’s go warm our hands over that barrel of burning trash…no hobo”

“There’s something really satisfying in putting all of your possessions in a bandana, tying them to stick, and going for a really long walk…no hobo”

“Sometimes it just tastes better to eat baked beans straight from the can…no hobo”

“I’m totally going to steal that shopping cart and use it to store my stuff in…no hobo”

“We should go grab all the cans out of the trash so we can get 5 cents for them…no hobo”

There are many other variations and possibilities to this punchline, but I wouldn’t want to ruin all the fun for you. I encourage everyone to take this into their workplaces and social lives. Try it out, just not on any hobos. They might be offended at your making light of their very real problems. You wouldn’t want to get punched out, although sleeping on the sidewalk is surprisingly comfortable…no hobo.