Let's Take a Walk

I want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very important. This is something many of you will instantly be able to relate to, and if you can’t, well then you’re probably part of the problem. I’ll set a quick scene for you: you’re walking down the sidewalk of a relatively well-traveled, older street. The temperature hovers somewhere between -2° and 0°; thus, you’re trying to get to your destination as quickly as possible, as to avoid frostbite and potential limb amputations. Like most city sidewalks, it is wide enough for two or three people to travel. As you briskly move towards much-needed warmth, you have to suddenly slam on the brakes to avoid steamrolling the person walking in front of you. As you start to move left to pass, you narrowly avoid a head-on collision with another innocent pedestrian, forcing you to fall back in behind the loafer you so correctly sought to leave in your wake. You, dear reader, have fallen prey to the Sidewalk Meanderer.

I’d be shocked if you all haven’t lived the aforementioned nightmare at least once or twice. For those like myself who choose to keep a steady, strong pace when walking, this is a daily occurrence. Sidewalk Meanderers are everywhere, and come in all shapes and sizes. They can often be found walking slowly, erratically, or both. They are often looking at everything, staring at buildings, cracks in the sidewalk, piles of trash, or any other of the many insignificant details that can be found on a city block. I don’t care that they want to look at things; being curious and observant is a good quality. But come on, don’t do it in the middle of a central freaking thoroughfare. Your slow gait and unpredictable directions make it impossible for anyone to get anywhere quickly. Move to one side and get out of the way. The sidewalk is not built just for you. In fact, a brave and noble artist tried to point this out in New York City.
As much as I’d like to believe that these selfish predators of the pavement will adhere to this call for sanity, I am also a realist. It would be naïve to think mere words could sway them. So for you, the reader who longs merely to get somewhere at a reasonable time, I offer the following tips on how to thwart the efforts of the classic Sidewalk Meanderer:

• Play in traffic: Don’t be afraid of utilizing the street to get around slow walkers, particularly if the sidewalk is narrow. If you’re on a quiet street, even better. This technique allows you to swoop around the aforementioned loafer and cut right back in front of them quickly. This technique is particularly useful if you encounter a Meandering Armada (i.e., a group of two or more people, slowly walking side-by-side and thus blocking the entire sidewalk).

• Think like a running back: Keep your head on a swivel. Pretend you’re Barry Sanders out there, looking for creases and gaps you can quickly move into. Little pockets often open up in the middle of the sidewalk in that grey area where people don’t know if it’s OK to walk. A quick left-right juke move can have you in and out of the gap, in front of your foe, and off and running.

• Switch the field: As in soccer, often the best way to get from point A to point B is to change the point of attack. In the case of a Sidewalk Meanderer, look to mix things up by changing sides of the street. If there is too big and slow a crowd on your side, zoom across to the other and you will likely find greener pastures, so to speak. Use up the open space, and if necessary, switch back to your original side. Wide open sidewalk is always the goal.

• The shake and bake blow-by: In my experience, this move is the most successful. Utilizing the slingshot effect, wait until you reach a crosswalk or have ample space on either side of the Meanderer. When you see the lane in front of you, accelerate and brush by the aforementioned target, using his own slipstream against him. This essentially takes principles of drafting seen in NASCAR and the Tour de France, and makes them infinitely more practical.

The above are mere suggestions collected over my brief existence. If you have others, I’m always glad to hear them. Remember, as Mussolini said (and was echoed later by Dwight K. Schrute), “it is together that we prevail.” Good luck out there, and be safe.